character rambles: Route!Yosuke and relationships

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This is going to be a rambly incoherent thing just because how else would I do this?

Yosuke's romantic feelings are extremely complicated, definitely enough to say he's withholding a lot of info from his friends -- some because they're friends and some because he hasn't quite figured everything out yet.

Either way, his situation needs to be prefaced with addressing his feelings towards Rise. He's got a huge crush on her. Massive, even. His fanboying of her was addressed in canon, and while his crush his nowhere near as shallow as admiring a famous idol now, he still really has the hots for her. The more time he spends with her - especially in Johto, where they spend a fair amount of time together. The fact that he even found himself able to really talk about what happened between he and Saki with her is just evidence that he feels comfortable with her. He trusts her, he likes her company, and goddamn, he would love to be with that. And tap that. You know. It's a pretty self-explanitory teenage boy crush on one of his friends. Who just happens to also be an idol.

Souji though. Man, Souji is the weirdest can of worms. There's always been the notion that he felt a bit too strongly about Souji ("my friends, my family, and you."), but Yosuke has always just chalked it up to the fact that Souji is his best friend. He tells Souji everything, fully knowing the secrets are safe there and that he won't be judged over it. But at the same time, he's also been noticing a lot of other things, most of which he's not sure he gets.

There's the fact that Souji came to meet him in Cherrygrove, and made sure he had medicine and whatnot before that. That alone... well, it made him happy. A bit happier than he probably should have gotten. But then there was their conversation about Souji visiting when they were home. It made him happy. Happy enough that it completely dissipated his extreme, sad woobieness. It doesn't stop there, though. It's everything else. The breeding centre, the random help, the coffees everyday. Each of these things makes his heart race a bit. He's noticed, but he chalked it up to thrill and charity.

It gets messy though, when Yosuke things about the reverse situations. How bothered he was when Souji dyed his hair, or how he doesn't get enough sleep. Even the fact that Souji tends to keep to himself about problems really, really gets under Yosuke's skin in the worst way. He tends to react a bit stranger than most would to these things happening with their BEST FRIEND. Too concerned, too involved...

The notion of it being romantic feelings isn't new to him though. The thought has crossed his mind - the fact that his daily coffees make him as happy as when Rise smiles at him has put that thought there. But every time it comes up, he pushes the thought out. Yosuke's still not able to cope with the possibility of being any sort of gay. He's only barely started to deal okay and understand other people who are gay -- and even that, it's a slow climb. He was still all "dkjfhyuydhsdjhds" over Raidou and Shinn, and that wasn't even actually ANYTHING. It freaked him out. So the idea of Yosuke himself pursuing anything like that feels out of the question.

It hasn't stopped his wandering mind though. Before he can push those thoughts away, things have crossed his mind. "Souji would never feel that way," "He's totally straight," "It would ruin everything..." of course, it never gets further than that. It freaks him out. All of it completely freaks him out. Deep within his subconscious, he knows it -- he knows these feelings and thoughts are there for a reason, but he's in complete denial. Ignoring it will make it go away, right? Right?

With things coming up, these thoughts are going to become more frequent. But it's not only that - it's that he's completely conflicted. Even though he doesn't think he has a snowball's chance with either of them, the idea of choosing between them really upsets him. He feels like he's doomed to be alone forever, even though he's pretty much in love with two people who are extremely important to him. Time, talking to other people... a few things will eventually bring him out of his denial. He'll always be reluctant to tell anyone, fear of being judge or ridiculed taking hold. Self-deprecation, yaaaay. Or not. Either way, it's a slow path to accepting his true feelings. Maybe a reminder about seeking the truth will push him in the right direction. He's kind of losing sight of that right now.